Bawful After Dark: April 12, 2011

An overwhelming feeling of regret strikes Pistons owner Tom Gores when he realizes "Wait, I bought this team?"

Only three games tonight as we get ready for the regular season's last hurrah tomorrow. To help fill the time, you may want to check out this website if you're in the mood to be brainfucked: Chicks With Steve Buscemi Eyes.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!

(Oh, I have a feeling this will get some interesting responses...)

1) "Just throw your hands in the air, and wave 'em like you just don't care"

2) Keith Smart is secretly a Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tube Man

Nationally Televised Games:
Bulls at Knicks, TNT, 8pm: The Bulls need to win this one to avoid a season sweep by the Knicks, and Tom Thibodeau insists he will not rest his starters. Gotta admit, this is a lot more interesting of a game than I first anticipated.

Spurs at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: Looking at these teams just a couple weeks ago compared to now... did we enter some crazy alternate universe where these teams switched places? Should I be concerned about other things in this crazy new reality? Human sacrifice? Dogs and cats living together? Mass hysteria?

All The Other Games:
Grizzlies at Frail Blazers, 10pm: This game is important for seeding. Can't really say I anticipated that just a few months ago. Gotta love the NBA. Also, speaking of the Frail Blazers, here's an interesting piece from Basketball Prospectus on which teams have been most affected by injury.

Bawful After Dark: April 11, 2011

Double LeBron-Bosh! What does it mean?? So intense.

(Glances at calendar)

Holy freakin' crap! It's almost the playoffs!

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

There, I just summarized the Lakers' most recent games for you. You're welcome.

Ron Artest Crazy Eyes!! Oh, how I've missed them.

What's the matter? MC Hammer want too much in royalties to fit "2 LEGIT" on your posterboard?

Nice bandana, cowboy. It'll be strangely appropriate when someone angrily tells him "Screw you and the horse you rode in on!"

Nothing says "rivalry" quite like two short guards making the least threatening faces possible during a skirmish

Well, I suppose rendering the refs unconscious with a Vulcan Nerve Pinch is one way to get rid of bad calls against your team

Herp a derp

Mike D'Antoni's reaction to an assistant suggesting his team play better defense was decidedly unpleasant

Nationally Televised Games:
Magic at 76ers, NBA TV, 7pm: Sneaky entertaining game. The Sixers took the first game in the season series, and the Magic won the next two by slim margins (one of those games even went to overtime).

Thunder at Kings, NBA TV, 10pm: The Purple Paupers have one more home game left on their schedule Wednesday night, but this will probably be your last opportunity to see a nationally televised game at the Power Balance Pavilion. So sad. I feel like Chris needs to pour one out for his dead homies team.

All The Other Games:
Heat at Hawks, 7pm: Per Adrian Wojnarowski, the Heat told Eddy Curry they were no longer interested in his services after several workouts with the team. Of course. He'd just be dead weight on their roster. 350 pounds of it.

Bobcraps at Nyets, 7pm: The only bright point for the Bobcraps the past few games? Kwame Brown's solid play. That has to be one of the most depressing things I have ever written.

Celtics at Wizards Generals, 7pm: This Celtics late-season coma is getting so out of hand, they're going to wake up in the playoffs with a wicked beard like Steven Seagal in Hard To Kill.

Cadavers at Pistons, 7:30pm: Josh Keown over at The Clearly Dope came up with an intriguing idea for a Lost prequel involving the Bad Boy Pistons crash-landing on the island (the Globetrotters got lucky -- they got Mary Ann and Ginger on their island). Upon my suggestion, Josh gave it a slight update to incorporate Michael Jordan. All I can say is there better be a casino and a golf course on that island, or MJ's gonna be pissed.

Jazz at Hornets, 8pm: In his last game, Chris Paul was held scoreless for the first time in his NBA career. His in-depth analysis? "I just couldn't make nothing." Of course! Now it all makes sense! He didn't score any points because he couldn't score points! (In other news, redundant sentence is redundant.)

Craptors at Bucks, 8pm: Short bench alert: Toronto could be without Bargnani, Calderon, Barbosa, and Johnson. This is great news for the Bucks as they're looking to sweep the season series for the first time since 2001-2002. Because, hey, if you can't make the playoffs, it's all about moral victories.

Mavericks at Rockets, 8:30pm: Short bench alert: Houston could be without Luis Scola and Kyle Lowry. This is great news for the Mavs as they're looking to sweep the season series for the first time since 2002-2003. (Sorry, couldn't help myself. Can't resist an opportunity to copy/paste almost an entire paragraph!)

Warriors at Nuggets, 9pm: Monta Ellis has a concussion and will not play the final two games of the year. oh no! What will they ever do without him?!

Timberwolves at Suns, 10pm: Depressing news from John Schuhmann: "A moment of silence for the end of The Nash Streak. 9 straight seasons leading the No. 1 team in offensive efficiency comes to an end."

Bawful After Dark: April 7, 2011

"YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP. I'VE YELLED SO MUCH I'M HALF-DEAF."

Short post tonight, kinda pressed for time. So in the meantime, you absolutely, definitely must watch this video from The Basketball Jones. It includes David Stern jacked up on 4Loko and angel dust. What else do I need to say to pique your interest?


Worst of the Night in Pictures:

"Coach, why do you wear gray jackets with black shirts every damn night?"

Calm down, Hickson. It's just a layup.

"It's okay, Thaddeus. Those mean ol' bullies are just jealous of your awesome name"

Nationally Televised Games:
Celtics at Bulls, TNT, 8pm: Do yourself a favor and go read through Hardwood Paroxysm's Twitter feed. He spent most of the early afternoon trying to get Bulls and Celtics fans to trade barbs. Highly entertaining. I even briefly got in on the action with an Antoine Walker reference. Sadly, the 140 character limit prevented me from tacking on a joke about how the Celtics would have dominated if the NBA added a four-point shot line.

Frail Blazers at Jazz, TNT, 10:30pm: I'm positively on pins and needles to see if Gordon Hayward can drop 22 points again tonight!

Bawful After Dark: April 6, 2011

Michael Beasley, or Chubby Checker?

Suggested reading: here is a nice summary of why Andrea Bargnani hurts the Craptors.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

If the Lakers need someone to shoot Kareem's sky hook in the playoffs, they can always turn to this dancer

Awesomely awkward man love

"I belieeeeeeve I can flyyyyyyyyyy"

Nationally Televised Games:
Bucks at Heat, ESPN, 8pm: Dwyane Wade might miss this crucial game for Miami's hopes of holding home-court advantage for the first two rounds of the playoffs. Ohhhh noooooo! Good thing they could play 5-on-4 like a hockey powerplay and the Bucks still couldn't score.

Lakers at Warriors, ESPN, 10:30pm: Thanks to the reference to Manos in the WOTN post, I will now hear Torgo's Theme in my head whenever I see Mamba dribbling.

All The Other Games:
Wizards Generals at Pacers, 7pm: Trey Kerby would like to remind us of things that have happened since the Generals' last three-game winning streak. Prepare to have your mind obliterated.

Knicks at 76ers, 7pm: This game has essentially zero effect on seeding for the postseason. Yet the Knicks are calling this "a big game" because they want some momentum heading into the playoffs. This really is happening. You aren't dreaming.

Cadavers at Craptors, 7pm: Craptors beat writer Holly MacKenzie sarcastically referred to this as a "barnburner" on Twitter this morning. I actually think that's a pretty appropriate name. If these two teams were playing in a barn, you'd want to burn it.

Magic at Bobcraps, 7pm: Here's a quote straight from the Stats LLC game preview: "The Bobcats are coming off back-to-back losses to two of the worst teams in the East and have dropped three straight overall." It can't be said any more on-the-nose than that right there.

Nyets at Pistons, 7:30pm: Deron Williams' wrist continues to be an issue. He might even miss the final five games of the season. So, I guess it's time for Jersey fans to watch the Devils go on their annual postseason run, right? Oh, wait...

Rockets at Hornets, 8pm: I don't get it. The Rockets just refuse to die! When did the zombie apocalypse hit Texas?

Suns at Timberwolves, 8pm: Ugh, this game depresses me. I'm just gonna go watch highlights from the Par 3 contest at The Masters. That's a good way to prepare myself for the Suns' postseason plans.

Clippers at Thunder, 8pm: Scott Brooks, confusing quote machine: "Almost is not good until you get it." But isn't it no longer considered "almost" when you do get it?

Nuggets at Mavericks, 8:30pm: Serious question for Nuggets fans: they've been on a hell of a run since the Carmelo trade, but are the injuries for Afflalo, Birdman, and Mozgov worrying?

Kings at Spurs, 8:30pm: The Kings have long been eliminated from playoff contention, but now they are "playing hard and together as a team," according to coach Paul Westphal. So why the hell didn't they start doing this back in December or January when it would have been useful??

Bawful After Dark: March 31, 2011

"I must break you"

Spencer Hall posted a stunning piece of literature yesterday: Everything need to know about John Calipari, to the tune of Steely Dan's album The Royal Scam. Even speaking as a fan of Kentucky Wildcat basketball, I approve of this piece. Behold the power of Steely Dan. (Seriously, go listen to that album while you read this. Do it. Great album.)

My favorite quote of the day is related to the sale of the Pistons. Or rather their inability to sell the team:

"The Pistons are officially that beat-up Camaro at the end of the street that's been on the block for two months. The "For Sale' sign has faded with dust and things are starting to grow around the wheels."

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Oh, Vince. What else can you do to make me hate you?

Oh. That.

Hey, if you saw your mascot faceplant while on rollerblades like that, you'd have a pissy look on your face too

I bet Cuban would get along really well with that one Nyets fan

Nationally Televised Games:
Celtics at Spurs, TNT, 8pm: Hey! Who wants to watch two injury-riddled teams limp through the end of the regular season on national TV? (meekly raises hand)

Mavericks at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: The Lakers are 15-1 since the All-Star Break. Quick, someone go invent a time machine so we can go back to earlier this year when they were kinda sorta struggling! Or at least let us go back to 2004-2005 when Chucky Atkins, Chris Mihm, and Jumaine Jones were holding down the fort.

Bawful After Dark: March 28, 2011

"Heh. Hehe. Haha. Haha! HAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Not much time to work with today. However, that doesn't mean I don't have time to post this GIF (via David Matthews):

Get that weak shit out of here, Pokey!

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

When both the NBA and NFL are locked out next year, DeMar DeRozan will make some extra money as a punter when the NFL resorts to using replacement players

"Why the hell did we get Turkoglu again??"

Dapper.

Inept.

I may not like Ron Artest, but damnit, he makes my life more interesting

Mike D'Antoni and LOL Guy: Separated at birth?

Nationally Televised Games:
76ers at Bulls, NBA TV, 8pm: Can we all just agree that discussing the MVP-worthiness of Derrick Rose is just plain getting old? Next topic, please!

All The Other Games:
Celtics at Pacers, 7pm: Please please PLEASE tell me Rondo's going to come back from his finger injury and break out of his scoring slump. Watching Rondo play this poorly is leaving me feeling as depressed as the characters in this cartoon.

Bucks at Bobcraps, 7pm: Speaking of depressing, neither of these teams could score if the rim was the size of Shaq's, Oliver Miller's, Charles Barkley's, and Tractor Traylor's combined asses. And yet they are both fighting to make the Leastern Conference playoffs. Sigh.

Magic at Knicks, 7:30pm: When I look at the Knicks' stats and see they are 1-9 in their last 10 games, I have to check the calendar to make sure I haven't accidentally traveled back in time to the golden age of Isiah Thomas destroying that organization.

Frail Blazers at Spurs, 8:30pm: Duncan's banged up, Ginobili's hurt, the Spurs have dropped three straight... I know, they're deep, Pops is a great coach, they're a smart and efficient team, but still, anyone else getting a little nervous?

Wizards Generals at Jazz, 9pm: The Generals have lost damn near every game on the road this year, and have a 1-9 record in their last ten games. What's Flip Saunders' professional analysis of the situation? "We're not good enough." Okay then.

Bawful After Dark: March 24, 2011

Ryan Hollins recoils in fear that he might accidentally make a contributory basketball play
While discussing Byron Scott's head-scratching move to start Ryan Hollins in consecutive games, DocZeus noted "I guess its cool that we now know how a person with no discernible basketball skills would play like if they were suddenly tall." A lightbulb went off! There's the answer. Ryan Hollins is starting for the Cavs because Dan Gilbert has a $1 bet with a mad scientist that he can make some random scrub into a successful basketball player just by making him tall. It's like a sci-fi version of Trading Places with a little Big mixed in for good measure.

Link I absolutely must share: what if Gus Johnson gave us his commentary on great moments in history?


Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Tony Allen, huge Monty Python fan

Tony Parker and Danilo Gallinari, huge fans of Ghost

"Why isn't anyone using a picture of me for that 'Come at me, bro!' meme??"

Pops has had just about enough of this shit.

All The Games:
Timberwolves at Mavericks, 8:30pm: The Mavs are looking to win 18 of their last 19 games. The Timberpoops are missing Kevin Love. What's the point in even previewing this game? Oh, that's right, I have a good reason. I need to share this stat: "The Timberwolves have been outscored by 19.5 points during their skid while committing 20.3 turnovers per game, raising their league-leading average to 17.2." Damn, people. You do realize you're supposed to pass it to the guys wearing the same color jerseys as you, right?

Hornets at Jazz, 9pm: Remember just a couple months ago when the Jazz were a playoff caliber team? Man, that seems like it was so long ago... Damn you, Devin Harris! I'm sure it's all your fault somehow.

Bawful After Dark: March 22, 2011

It's like the Bizarro version of the Craptors mascot!
Chris sent me an e-mail this afternoon alerting me to this recent development: Detroit's population has dropped to 713,777. This means Detroit is now smaller than Louisville. (Okay, partially because Louisville redefined its city limits several years ago to make it seem bigger. Whatever.) So now my question is, why the hell don't I have an NBA team yet?

The continuing failures of the Toronto Craptors: Per Scott Carefoot, "In February and March, Bargnani has played 19 games and 716 minutes but only blocked 6 shots. 'That's a 7-footer, ladies and gentlemen!' "

Also worth reading: the continuing failures of Agent Zero.

Worst of the Night in Pictures:

Caption This!
Seriously, what the hell is going on with Landry Fields?

Jay Triano always carries his résumé with him. Probably a wise decision.

Stan Van Gundy: hovering helicopter parent coach

Nationally Televised Games:
Bulls at Hawks, TNT, 8pm: Oh, just what I want to watch. A tired Bulls team on the second night of a back-to-back versus a Hawks team in the middle of its usual springtime mediocrityfest.

Suns at Lakers, TNT, 10:30pm: Andrew Bynum's on the second night of his suspension. Why do game previews make a big deal out of this? You'd think the Lakers would be used to playing without Bynum for extended periods of time by now.

All The Other Games:
Wizards Generals at Frail Blazers, 10pm: You know, John Wall could have a chance in the next season or two to join the 20-10-50 club. He's averaging 15.9 points and 8.7 assists as a rookie, and the Generals are, after all, the Generals. (They've already lost 51 games this year!) Assuming Wall progresses as a player and the Generals continue to fail to produce an effective team, I have high hopes for this elite club inducting a new member.

Bawful After Dark: March 21, 2011

I like to imagine Avery Johnson looks like this all day, every day
First things first: woah David Stern!

Via Deadspin, your random read of the day: Compiling The Absurd Box Score For Space Jam; Or, Shawn Bradley Sucked Against Cartoons, Too. One word: trillion.

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Hey! Stop using Grant Hill as a couch!

"WAAAAAAAAH! HE TOOK MY BALL!!"

Vince Carter's facial hair makes me want to break things

Poll: Is Keith Smart dancing with The Invisible Man, or just soothing the crowd with the dulcet tones of his invisible banjo?

Nationally Televised Games:
Celtics at Knicks, NBA TV, 7:30pm: Whenever I talk to my friends that are basketball fans, they keep touting how awesome the Knicks are going to be now that they have Amar'e and Carmelo. Can someone please go talk some sense into them for me?

All The Other Games:
Magic at Cadavers, 7pm: If the Magic can win this one, they will sweep their season series against the Cadavers. In other breaking news, water is wet. (Unless it's frozen. Oh snap! Things just got confusing!)

Pacers at Nyets, 7pm: The Pacers are still fighting for that 8th spot in the Leastern Conference with the Bobcraps and the Bucks. So they get to play the Nyets who are missing Deron Williams in an attempt to bring their record up to 31-40. What a scintillating battle for the playoffs. (Cough)

Kings at Bulls, 8pm: Good news for the Bulls: the Suckramento Kings have gotten their one win for the month out of the way, so they probably won't give the Bulls too much of a fight tonight. Bad news: the Kings actually won a game. For them, that's "surging."

Jazz at Grizzlies 8pm: If you had the Jazz below the Suns in your preseason playoff odds, you're a better prognosticator than me.

Warriors at Spurs, 8:30pm: Just think: if the Warriors were in the East, they'd probably be a playoff team even though their road record is 9-26 and is the basketball equivalent of this debacle.

Craptors at Nuggets, 9pm: Huzzah! The Nuggets get to play one of the rare teams that plays even less defense than them!

Bawful After Dark: March 14, 2011

"Gimme your lunch money, kid! I'll shake it out of your pockets if you don't give it to me!"
Anyone else really disappointed Bawful didn't inform us he missed today's post thanks to "flu-like symptoms?" For shame.

The NBA -- rather approprately -- scheduled an April Fool's Day game between the Cadavers and Generals. Even more appropriately, jose3030 discovered this sweet ticket deal on Stubhub:

Uh, I think I'm going to need to get a different credit card to buy those, Stubhub. Gimme a few minutes...

Worst of the Weekend in Pictures:

Is it possible that Andrei Kirilenko's strategy is to distract his opponents with his ridiculous hair and general appearance?

"Wow, your face is soft! Do you use moisturizer?"

I've seen a pic of Tim Duncan doing this like 825 times, but it still creeps me out

"You see that ball? Yes, ball. See that round thingy? That's a hoop. Put ball in hoop. Got it?"

Robert Sarver finally is hit with the terrible realization that he's wasted Steve Nash's career

I haven't seen a face that smug since this guy:


Nationally Televised Games:
Spurs at Heat, ESPN, 8pm: This game speaks for itself, so I'm just going to post this randomly amazing animated GIF of Jeff Van Gundy that JE Skeets shared earlier today.

Woah.

Magic at Lakers, ESPN, 10:30pm: Controversy!! Dwight Howard has seemingly shunned Marcin Gortat. Per Gortat: “We didn’t shake our hands, we didn’t talk to each other, we didn’t say anything. And that’s fine, at the end of the day he’s on a different team, I’m on a different team, and I’m a grown-ass man, I don’t need him any more.” Anyone else picturing Dwight Howard making a frowny face in response to this? Because I am. And it is making me chortle.

All The Other Games:
Celtics at Nyets, 7pm: According to The Score's shot chart for the downright ridiculous Celtics/Bucks 87-56 game yesterday, Troy Murphy appears to have a made shot from out of bounds behind the backboard. Nice. I was unaware HORSE shots counted in the NBA.

Thunder at Wizards, 7pm: Kendrick Perkins might be making his Thunder debut against the Generals. Way to kick a team when they're down, guys.

Nuggets at Hornets, 8pm: Protip: don't count on JR Smith shooting lights friggin' out from downtown in the 4th quarter every game like he did against Detroit. That was maaaaaaaybe just an aberration.

Clippers at Grizzlies, 8pm: Three of the Grizzlies' remaining 15 games are against the Clippers. Talk about favorable scheduling down the stretch.

Suns at Rockets, 8:30pm: Steve Nash is expected to miss his second straight game with what the team has called "pelvic instability." (I'm not sure what that is, but it sounds worse than the "pelvic inactivity" which I just decided is great euphamism for a lack of sex that I will have to casually drop into conversation at some point soon.) But either way, Aaron Brooks will get the start. Against his former team. Intriguing...

76ers at Jazz, 9pm: It's possible that the Sixers can sweep the Jazz for the first time in 23 years. Mind-boggling.

Warriors at Kings, 10pm: You mean to tell me Kevin Love's double-double streak was ended by the Warriors? Oh snap! The Kings might not break 50 points in this game!