Start of old army recruiting line / WED 2-2-11 / Doffs one's lid / Suffix with magnet / Club for knights / Graybearded sort

Constructor: Peter A. Collins

Relative difficulty: Medium-Challenging

THEME: LETTER / DROP (47D: With 9-Across, post office mail slot .. or a hint to this puzzle's theme) — answers are two-word phrases from imaginary quotations where second word = first word - first letter; dropped letters are all vowels, A through U, appearing (and disappearing) in consecutive order


Word of the Day: SMOLTS (56A: Young salmon) —

n.

A young salmon at the stage intermediate between the parr and the grilse, when it becomes covered with silvery scales and first migrates from fresh water to the sea. An 8-time All Star, he received the N.L. Cy Young Award in 1996 and is the only pitcher in major league history to top both 200 wins and 150 saves. (wikipedia)

• • •

I'm having trouble knowing where to begin today. I don't think this puzzle is up to NYT standards. I understand the theme, but I don't understand why it's ... good. The phrases are nonsense. The sentences they are supposed to be a part of aren't funny. The revealer has nothing but the most literal thematic connection to the theme answers, and even then, why first letters? Why vowels? Why? Why? That is the operative question. I don't even really know how hard this puzzle was because I kept stopping and asking "Why?" Sometimes out loud. Wife got bored and couldn't be bothered to finish, which sometimes happens on a Sunday, but a Wednesday? Maybe if the phrases were self-standing and clued funnily, like, I don't know, [Fowler?] => USAGE SAGE. God, now I hate myself for even playing that game. The whole puzzle feels like an idea that any constructor might have ... and test ... and discard. How this made it through, I just don't know. I am terribly sorry if this criticism seems extreme, but I'm trying to be objective here. I can't remember a puzzle that felt this substandard. Not in the NYT.

[Update: If I hadn't been on vacation in the summer of 2008, it turns out I'd have seen this theme before. And guess who (co-)constructed *that* puzzle? ... Unreal. If you're going to copy yourself . . . no, on second thought: no comment.]

We haven't even begun to talk about the fill, which is barely passable. Just a forced, uninteresting wreck, from stem to stern. I mean, what is there? LICORICE? (38D: Center of Good & Plenty candy) What else? The list of mediocre-to-bad fill is too long to list. It would be quicker to list the solid stuff. LAST, that's solid. OPEN, that's a word. For all of our sakes, I'm not going to go on ... OTTISLOBBERBEALLUNHATS ... sorry, spasm.

I mean, come on, [Doffs one's lid]?! What kind of phrasing is that? It's like the last part of the clue has never met the first part, and neither of them has met the answer.


Theme answers:

• 18A: "After the maid cleans out the ___ ___ going to polish the fireplace doors" (ASHES SHE'S) — you know what looks great in the grid? Not this.
  
• 24A: "The note accompanying the ___ ___ that all money should go to charity" (ESTATES STATES) — I submit that some of these sentences don't make any sense.
  
• 36A: "The reporter heard the New York ___ ___ his coach" (ISLANDER SLANDER)
  
• 49A: "At the organic market, the price of ___ ___ from moderate to ridiculous" (ORANGES RANGES) — at 36-Across, I saw the vowel progression and so filled in the "O" here and the "U" at 57-Across. Did make things easier.
  
• 57A: "The teacher found that ___ ___-a-longs helped her pupils remember their ABCs" (USING SING)
  

If you really have to put -ITE in your grid, I highly suggest you give it an unobtrusive clue. [Suffix with magnet] is not that clue. MAGNETITE? Of all the -ITES ... ISRAELITE, CARMELITE, SAMSONITE ... I mean, are you so enamored with [Suffix with magnet] that you thought it warranted using twice?? Also, don't understand how A HIT works for 30A: Take ___ (lose one). I know the phrase "TAKE A HIT," but what's this "one" in the clue. One what? Game? Pound? Girlfriend? SOLA? (45A: Alone, on the stage) What "stage" are we talking about? Is that a theater cue? I had SOLO, unsurprisingly. OTTIS / LOBBER / BEALL (17A: Start of an old Army recruiting line) sent the ick-meter into High very quickly, and it rarely if ever came down.


Ooh, I like the clue on BARTAB, for sure (20A: Zombies might be on it). That answer is total LICORICE (my new, yet now defunct, puzzle word for "sweet").

Bullets:

• 42A: One-quarter of "Whose woods these are I think I know" (IAMB) — This is almost clever. A little precious, maybe, but kind of thoughtful.
  
• 43A: Club for knights (MACE) — Childhood D&D-playing does come in handy from time to time (32D: Old Dungeons & Dragons co.=> TSR)
  
• 55A: John, to Paul, George or Ringo (LOO) — I vote we retire this clue, and any Beatles variants, right now. It was clever once. A long time ago.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ASSESS some SSRS.

Signed, Rex Parker, King of CrossWorld

[Follow Rex Parker on Twitter]

P.S. it's my dad's 70th birthday! So happy birthday to the original Dr. Sharp.